Not love

by redrose416

I’ve had friends who really hurt people.  People they know, people they love.  People they know but don’t love.  In all of those situations, I can only imagine that it would have been nearly impossible for the injured parties to forgive, let alone see the good in, let alone love, the person who hurt them.  When we’ve been injured it’s sometimes REALLY hard to get back into a positive situation with the offending party.  Of course, that’s mostly and more often the fault of the offender, but it’s also our choice to make the effort to see the picture from the other person’s perspective.  We all make choices for a reason.  There is a series of events that leads each of us to the place where we are and compels us to choose one way or another, and sometimes, the way back from those choices is hard.  Sometimes, either because we’ve gotten in too deep or made too difficult a choice, we never come back.  Sometimes, we are changed forever (for the good or ill). Sometimes, we run out of time to be able to change.  Sometimes, we run out of time to be able to change ourselves to the point where we can forgive.

The friends who I have known who have seriously hurt others became friends with me after their choices had been made, but in almost all of the cases, I knew the offended party too, and could see the difficulty from both sides.  And, in not being on the receiving end of the hurt, it was much easier for me to look at them through loving eyes.  I really think this is one of the reasons why we are put on this planet with families, and with so many other, diverse personalities–when we are in close proximity with only one or two people, when we make mistakes, it becomes difficult to heal.  When we feel scrutinized or looked down upon, it often makes it hard to recover when the only person we can look to is the one who hurt us.    Or the one who we hurt.  We are here for each other, and often it takes someone who is outside of the picture to see us in a better light, to give us fresh perspective, and to offer a safe place where we can consider our situation, and perhaps, change.  Heal.  Help, grow.

There are, of course, people who are good enough to be able to offer that safe place, even after they’ve been hurt.  People who are truly good enough to be able to shoulder damage done to them and still love the offender without reservation.  I am not one of these folks.  Not yet.  I’m trying, and I WISH…I wish so much…that I had learned to appreciate that kind of forgiveness when I was younger.  I wish I had learned to see another person’s journey and perspective and be able to take that into account when I am hurt…but after almost 30 years of being critical of others, it has been a hard journey to another, better place.  I struggle every day.  I struggle most with the people who I am closest with.

It is so much easier to become this kind of forgiving soul when you are surrounded by people who are the image of what you want to be.  I love church so much because I get to spend a few hours in that kind of situation.  I love the temple because NOTHING invades that peace in the hour or two that I sit and listen.  I wish I were better.  I wish, for my son, that I could forgive the people that I know I love…but right now, I really feel like I don’t love them because I have not arrived at a place where I instinctively act with love.  And that makes me feel really…small.  Really imperfect.  I know I’m imperfect, and everyone else is too…but I hate it.  And I hate this fake not-love that I keep trying to put on because I haven’t yet arrived at the place where I can forgive or speak lovingly to a couple of the people that I should love.

I’m trying.  I wish I could get there faster.
But I can only work at the pace that my heart and mind can work.  I do, however, know that, if I honestly and earnestly go to Father and ask to be better, that he’ll teach me how.  I can be better.  We can all be better.
Today, I’m sad because I’m not a good family member.  I know someday I’ll be better, but well, one day at a time…

Excelsior.
“These things I have spoken to you that, in me, you might have peace.  In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer–I have overcome the world.”