“Yesterday, I was blindsided by an anxiety attack. Standing at work, completely calm, peaceful, more or less happy. And then I received a text, one sentence, totally neutral, totally harmless…and my heart dropped right into my stomach. My heart rate kicked way up, breathing skyrocketed, started shaking… I was completely unprepared for such a sudden reaction, and so surprised at how quickly the feeling came, how easily everything just crumpled up. Self-control, which I have quite a bit of, allowed me to seem, more or less, the same on the outside, but inside, I was panicking.
And, the entire time, the Spirit was standing over my right shoulder, as he always is, calmly and firmly asserting all of the things I have come to know are absolutely true–truths that I have come to love and appreciate and lean on every moment of every day–
“Take a breath. Don’t assume what you don’t know. Have faith. Believe the best in people. TRUST. Father’s got this. Ask for help and you WILL get it. Be the person that you KNOW you can be, that you’re SUPPOSED to be, that FATHER WANTS YOU to be. Stop. Think. Use that amazing gift of a brain that He gave you. Take a breath. You are not perfect…it’s okay to be human. Have faith. You don’t know everything, if anything. You don’t HAVE to know everything. Ask for help. Everything WILL be alright. Don’t lose faith, hold on, endure…”
–and, for the third time in the past two weeks, despite all of the things I have learned since October, regardless of the ridiculous miracles that He has showed me and the ones close to me, and the angels that he has dropped into my life to help me learn this remarkable journey, no matter how much self-control I have been able to master through fasting, prayer, meditation and both intentional and unintentional lessons in restraint, at this moment, the human part of me was just…stronger. What we call the “natural man”, or the “temporal self” was just much louder than the Spirit, who not for one second stopped trying to assert the calming truths that would have brought me back to Father’s arms, and out of this little Hell.
But, I have come to know far too well now my own shortcomings, my triggers, my weaknesses, and it is only logical that the strongest wills often require severe, sometimes catastrophic falls-from-grace to knock them off that false pedestal and back down to reality here, where we have all been sent to learn. And, in this case, my mini-apocalypse was something that I had thought I had mastered, that I had believed was governed into submission by the overwhelming faith in God the Father and Christ. I had thought that I had become such a guru of faith that there was no surprise that could rock my ability to center myself on the knowledge that God is in control of everything, and if I work every day to follow the guidelines for perseverence and happiness He has so lovingly laid out for us, that there is nothing I cannot overcome with peace, grace, and humility.
What I haven’t mentioned is that, lately, I have been working with Father rather intently on overcoming VANITY–not just physical vanity, but intellectual, emotional vanity. I’ve always been pretty good at most things I’ve put my mind to, and have, as a result, accumulated a ridiculous ego. I hate it. We’ve been working hard to catch it every time it opens its stupid mouth, and most of my repentence has lately been for reasons of vanity…mostly when I think I’m right and something lofty and assuming is about to come out of my mouth. Well, perhaps He thought I was taking too long working on little things here and there, I don’t know, but there is one situation that, over the past 11 months, I have been absolutely certain I have logically puzzled out to the end. I have been positive that I have understood every angle, every cause and effect, and have logically worked out every aspect to the end of its understanding. For my own part, I should have been satisfied with such thorough work, but, of course, Father always has something else to teach us. Especially when we think we’ve finished learning. Because he knows everything, sees everything, and we, proportionately, know nothing…and, because He knows everything, there is ALWAYS something more to learn. And, in this case, in this most frustrating part of my life, He had built an ingenious way to teach me what, right now, I want and need to learn. HUMILITY.
See, I’ve learned that sometimes, he sends us difficulties to show us that we’re just WRONG. To teach us not to assume, to show us how to love, to give us the skills to be selfless when our human selves have, because of whatever means or provocation, become assuming, unhappy, selfish temporal lumps of bitterness. Sometimes he sends us hardships to knock us out of our own human stupidity. Our self-absorbedness.
But sometimes, we can do almost everything right–sometimes we’re correct!–and there’s still more to learn. Sometimes, we actually assume, and that assuption is the truth, and Father ever-so-brilliantly uses that truth to show us that we are still not living with love. Having truth is not the same as having love. Yesterday and this morning, I was slammed with all of the insecurities that I had thought I had mastered over the past year, and made a sad assumption…and that assumption turned out to be true! But, as I sat crying at the kitchen table, I realized the possibility that, while someone might be doing something that brings you to tears, sometimes you do not know the actual reason behind that action. Sometimes you do!–sometimes, your entire perspective is true and accurate, and you receive that knowledge to solidify your ability to move forward. And he’ll let you know if that is the case. But sometimes, a betrayal is actually movement toward a miracle, and sometimes, it takes such an apocalypse of self for us to realize the reality of Proverbs 3:5…that we have to trust in FATHER with everything we’ve got, because he knows everything, and we can’t possibly understand everything, because we don’t (know everything). As the famous verse in 1 Cor 13 tells us, we only understand pieces…in part…but Father has all the pieces, so he understands fully, and it’s because of that FULL truth that we have to go to Him for our complete answers. We might have SOME truth–our entire piece of knowledge about a situation might be true–but we only understand in part. So if we go to HIM for that additional guidence, we will have full faith, full understanding, and will never lose heart or be steered wrong, because HIS perspective is complete.
Tears, I believe, are a very unique and necessary human gift. They are very hard to fake, they drain us. I believe that, like so many of the tools He has given us to deal with this difficult life, when our bodies find the need to cry, it is a necessary release, and serves a purpose that no words, no yelling or sleeping or physical activity, can fulfill. After allowing myself to take advantage of this tool, I felt much more at ease, moved to a quiet place, and closed my eyes to think and thank Father for every gift that I knew would come from the experience I had just had…
…which brings me to poor Brother Kleinlein, who is probably a bit confused.
A few weeks ago, he came to me and asked if I would speak. The topic he gave me was, “Why should we give thanks to Heavenly Father?”…hence the confusion. Well, here we go…
When first thinking about what I would say today, I asked myself whether or not our willingness to say thank you is even of any importance to God, at all. And the answer that I came to was that, on a godly level, Father requires gratitude not one bit. Whether or not we say thank you, God’s godly qualities will continue, unwavering…he has been, and always will be, omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent. He can do anything and knows everything. That will not change, no matter if we are thankful or not. Our gratitude toward him is only important on a human level, most specifically from His perspective as a father. As a father, he created us in the most perfect shape–his own–and filled us not only with an eternal spirit, but individual traits–gifts–that are specific, and different from the gifts of every other spirit. He gave us bodies. He gave us the ability to come here to learn, gave us this beautiful world, this beautiful bit of time, and all of the colors and variations that come with these gifts. If I created things so beautiful, so perfect, I would want to preserve them and keep them safe. But Father knew that, with all of the colors available in life, the greatest gift he could give us is agency. And so, despite his gifting us with a rather small list of commandments (which are meant for our protection and happiness), and so many helpful verses and stories, so many EXAMPLES, true life examples of what happens when we either follow or ignore those directives, wrapped so neatly and conveniently into the quad, He gave us the greatest love ever in giving us everything…and then letting us go. And so, because of our agency, life can be so beautiful, but it can also be so very hard…which brings us to the trials of parenting.
To a father, working to teach a child well, to give them good tools, and then having them turn around and say thank you for that education can be the most rewarding gift ever. I can imagine how often Father smiles when he hears one of us take a split second to say thank you when we notice how lovely the sunrise is, or that a bird is singing at exactly the same pitch as the song playing on the radio. I’m sure he does handsprings when one of us finally lets go and takes the leap of faith necessary for full trust in Him, when we become fully able to appreciate all of the gifts he continues to give. And, when we take the tiny bits of time to say thank you, we begin to make a habit of appreciation…we start the list of things that we consistently notice as being beautiful, or helpful, or particularly unique to our appreciation. We start to notice all of the ways that every word or gesture teaches us something, and each leaf or petal in nature reminds us of something personal and beautiful, and we smile and say thank you…because EVERYTHING…EVERYTHING!! is a gift. Even the things we think we have accomplished for ourselves. Do you feel responsible for the job you have? Well, the skills you used to interview for, and obtain that job are direct gifts from father, which you had before you were born. And as for the job, you would not have it were it not for the person who organized the business and sought the benefactors and minds and workers necessary for startup. They are a gift. And the skills and financial contributions of those folks are the product of gifts that Father gave to each individual, and their upbringing at the hands of their parents and teachers, whose skills and gifts are also of Father’s doing. All of the good things in life, everything we are or have, is the result of the gifts that generations and generations of souls have received and appreciated from Heavenly Father. And, because everything is a gift, and NOTHING is the product of solely ourselves, we are obligated to say thank you for it all. It is commanded of us. But, as the rest of the commandments, it is a commandment only to help teach us a necessary skill that will make us happier and stronger…in this case, appreciation. We are commanded to say thank you, I believe, because it teaches us to value the blessings in EVERYTHING. Should we spend our entire day bowing in gratitude? Of course not! But get into the habit of smiling heavenward whenever the thought comes to mind, and the human benefit of gratitude will fill you immediately–joy, happiness and a feeling of being completely and individually loved by God. And you will also start to see more of the good things in life, and feel less brought down by the bad.
But what of the bad? Now we come full-circle to my story. When I set out to actually write what I would say this morning, I was going to start with the idea that everything in life is a gift. But then, as He always does, God hit me with this more important thought, because of this much more striking catastrophe, and I found the need to talk about the blessings of bad things. Because we are imperfect, we make imperfect choices. Choices that hurt ourselves and others. But, as I said before, we only see and understand in part. And learning to say thank you to Father teaches us an appreciation for all of the beauties of life, but in order to fully reap the benefits of his teachings, we must also get into the habit of seeing all of the personal goodnesses provided through experiencing, analyzing, and learning from the bad or difficult times. And sometimes, like today, these things that seem world-ending are some of the greatest teachers to our happiness and development, because, while happiness keeps us content, difficulties teach us to CHANGE. To never become CONTENT, because there is always more to learn, more we could be doing, more to be had and seen and enjoyed and appreciated. And we take full advantage of the gifts of this world and the miracle of the commandments when we are slammed with the things that HURT…and are able to follow his laws, hang onto the Rod, steadfastly. And, like yesterday, when the temporal self is still louder and more frantic, we feel guilt, another very acute gift, and know that we must try again.
My experience yesterday has caused me a lot of grief. I see just how deeply that hurt goes, and, despite my gratitude for His showing me that I am still not as strong as he will eventually make me, the anxiety attack is still going on, right now. I have full faith in Father, full knowledge of what he expects of me and what I must do to become the person that I want to be, and that he wants me to be. Because of this horrible tickle in my stomach, I give thanks to Heavenly Father, because he is using the only way that will actually reach me, the thing I care about most in myself, to continuously remind me of the one insecurity and personal inadequacy that has consistently hurt me, and hurt my progress forward over the past year. And that, to me, is something to get down on my knees about, shakes and everything, and say thank you. Thank you for caring enough to not let me go back to being a snobby know-it-all, because it gets in the way of selfless giving and kindness, and letting others benefit from my knowledge and example. Thank you for showing me that there are things I MUST FORGIVE in order to allow others to be at ease to find reasons within themselves to move forward and learn from the gifted examples that they have in their lives. Not resent those who know more, or have come to answers. Thank you for the ability to fail, because it makes me aware of my greatest personal roadblocks to happiness, even moreso sometimes than if I had simply been trying to improve myself on a successful day.
After we know and exercise all of the things he has set for us to do in order to get the most out of this REALLY COOL, most epic RPG-of-a-life, the first, last, and most important task that Father has set for us is to LOVE. The books don’t define love specifically, though the Corinthians verse gives us a pretty good idea of how it functions. We are not commanded in who to love. It is not specific, contingent, nor reciprocal…we’re supposed to do it, regardless of circumstance or situation, and ALWAYS expect nothing in return. This life, and our success in it, is measured in LOVE, and my fullest, most awesome thanks are reserved for this one commandment–the commandment to love everyone, without reservation. How awesome is it that our ultimate goal here, and in heaven, is to learn to love each other? Not to gain the most wealth or stuff or friends on Facebook…but to love the most people, and serve the most people, expecting nothing in return, and nothing for ourselves. I thank God every day that that is my number one job here, and I do that best by spending time with all of you…the folks who have been particularly blessed at this point in history with the knowledge of how best to do that. For THAT, we should give immense thanks. We are special, and with that gift comes the obligation to live it, to share it, which is often hard, but which will, ultimately, teach us how to better LOVE others. What a gift. And, last, the second most important thing I have learned, and for which I give thanks every day, is my ability to KEEP TRYING. To ENDURE. And, conveniently enough, it is also a commandment…fancy that. Unlike some of the misconceptions of past faiths, we know for sure that Father encourages us to pick up and keep trying. To see our mistakes, and acknowledge them, and make a decision to double our efforts and work harder next time we’re faced with the same difficult circumstance. And he gives us scriptures for example and commandments to show us how and friends and loved ones to keep us on the right track and support us and dry our tears and NOT LET US FALL BACK. He gives us fear to know when we’re on dangerous ground and guilt to know when we’ve made the wrong step. He gives us tears to mourn our failings, and to point out their poignancy. And, at the end of the day, he gives us prayer to be able to, at any time of the day, give him a call so we can say THANK YOU for all of these gifts…this life, which is a gift…and to promise him that, despite our human failings, we will get up and rely on all of these tools and NOT GIVE UP because, when we’re done with this life, what we’ve created for ourselves will be magnified forever in Heaven with him, and the gift of being able to get up and try again every day is the greatest human love he has shown us. And, for that, and all of it, we MUST give thanks. Because he could just as easily have tossed us to Satan and be done with us. Or not created us at all.
This is a lot to take in, it seems. But this human life is unique, and to be enjoyed, and so we cannot forget to appreciate and love it, and gratitude allows that sentiment to linger daily. As most of you know, one of Father’s gifts to me has been the gift of music, and I have found that this gift, more quickly and effectively than many others, reminds us of the beauties and hardships of life, touches the deeper parts of us and stays there…allows us to think and understand, while fully enjoying. There is a hymn, “Now Thank We All Our God”, which reminds us of all of the ways that Father has blessed us, and all of the subsequent ways we should thank Him. The first verse tells us to thank him with “hands and hearts and voices”…physically, spiritually, and with the uniquely human gift of words. It goes on to remind us that, from birth, God has showered us with blessings, and continues to actively do so every day. The second verse implores that Father always stay close by to remind us of life’s joys and give us peace when we need it. That he hold us close in his love, day and night, to protect us from every sadness and ill. The hymn reminds us of the blessings we are gifted with every day, and asks Father to hold us close in sun and darkness, to remind us of his love, and give us peace when our hearts are restless. Like my favorite verse of all time, it covers all the bases:
John 16:33
“These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have a
peace. In the bworld ye shall have ctribulation: but be of good dcheer; I have eovercome the world. “
He gives us scripture as example to bring us PEACE. He knows that life can, for lack of a better word, suck. He tells us right out that there will be difficulty. But he also reminds us that we should, despite that hardship, be cheerful…always have LOVE…and that we MUST KEEP TRYING, because, in the end, we are working to earn his heaven, and he’s got this. This world is his. And he’s given all of it to US. EVERYTHING IS A GIFT. And that, my friends, is the greatest reason why we should give thanks to Heavenly Father.”
(also important to discuss further is HOW we give thanks…being in the habit of having gratitude and SAYING thank you for each gift is the first step to lots of good changes and benefits, but then, we must also ACT on that gratitude…return the favor, pay it forward–there are lots of ways to show that we are thankful to Father, and to those who help us. This physical manifestation, I think, is a way that we begin a habit of REPENTENCE…by seeing an act and responding to it reciprocally in a physical, active way…not just with words. It’s so cool how he teaches us the hard things through commanding the good and easier things, the enjoyable things… 🙂 )
Love to all ❤
To the light, ever to the light... 